Well hello there, Diary

I've noticed that I only come here when I'm in one of my "moods." One of the "I just want to listen to music, drink, and smoke all night" moods. One of the "I'm lonely and no one cares" moods. One of the "I really should probably get back to a counselor" moods.

How odd..

But I guess when you don't really have anyone to talk to, you have to talk to yourself right? I've completely cut myself off from everyone. I have no friends and its my fault. My best friend in the world I don't even feel I can talk to anymore. The two girls who are supposed be my "bffs" spend all their time together and I never get an invite. I never really say anything in my mom's group because honestly, I have nothing interesting or worth while to contribute to the conversations.

Once again I find myself at a place where I honestly don't know who I am. It makes me sick to think that after damn near twenty one years I am still clueless about myself.

But how can I even know myself when nothing I do is good enough? I can't provide well enough for Andrew, let alone Tim and Ryan too. Then on top of that Tim is so anxious to have a baby. Lorelai Bree.... I want her so much. I want to make it up to Tim for losing Aurora. But how can I afford her on top of two toddlers? Andrew isn't talking much, so obviously that's my fault, or so everyone makes it out to be. I don't have Andrew potty trained yet. I don't work enough. When I do work, I don't work hard enough. I'm not there enough for my family. I don't do enough for my family. I don't try hard enough to lose weight but I bitch about being fat all the time. The list just goes on and on..

Why do I have so many problems with confidence? After everything I've been through, I honestly am not doing to terribly bad for myself. I have a roof over my and my family's head, clothes on our backs, food in our tummies, etc. I graduated from high school on time when everyone said I was going to get held back. I attempted college. I have a decent job considering my lack of education, there are people in the same position as me, and lower, who have bachelors and masters degrees!

I'm just a big baby. I need to man up