What Is Strength?

I've always thought of myself as a strong person. I never took shit from anyone, I stood up for myself and my friends, I stood up for what I believed in, I made my voice heard, and I never believed when someone told me I wasn't good enough. What happened?

People still tell me that I'm strong, but if I really was why in the hell am I still here? Why do I allow him to keep me in what I feel is a hellhole? Why do I accept "decent" when I really deserve amazing?

I should really be strong for my son. Growing up with a broken home isn't easy, by any stretch of the imagination. But would growing up with a miserable mom be any better? I tell myself that if we did split, we'd be civil. We'd keep the peace so that he wouldn't have to go through what I did, but I doubt it will end up like that if it happens. It will end up in an all out war. Of course I already have the winning edge since he willingly gave me custody a year ago, but I doubt he'd just sit back and let me keep it.

At what point am I supposed to say I'm done?

Poker Face

Everybody has one, some just are better with theirs than others. I just so happen to be fabulous at hiding my true feelings. I can make anyone think I'm in love with them, and I can make anyone think I hate them. It's really sad that I had to learn a talent like that. Even worse that it the ability to make anyone crazy about me was how I made it through life before.

It really does make me wonder if I'm capable of real feelings, or if I just go through to motions to keep my life as simple and uncomplex as possible. Obviously, my love for Andrew is incredibly strong and the most real kind of love that any single person could feel. But what about everyone else? I honestly am not sure how upset I would be if "key" people in my life just up and left. Of course, I'd be worried because certain things couldn't fall into place without them. But on a deep, emotional level, would I even care?

I've spent my whole life basically using people. Using my parents to pull strings to get me what I wanted, using my friends to get where I wanted to be, using guys for sex, drugs, and alcohol, using my charm to get me out of basically any trouble, or using my charm to make my punishment easier. You could even say that I use my child. I use him to feel like I am the most important person alive, to feel like I would be missed if I left.

Not a damn person has any idea that I am literally drowning in my own mind, I'm just that good.