Oh, second best
you would think that at some point I would have guessed
I'll just never be better than the rest

Through all the years and all the people
to the friends, lovers, and children too
I've never been more than second best
nothing I do can make me outshine the rest

What Is Strength?

I've always thought of myself as a strong person. I never took shit from anyone, I stood up for myself and my friends, I stood up for what I believed in, I made my voice heard, and I never believed when someone told me I wasn't good enough. What happened?

People still tell me that I'm strong, but if I really was why in the hell am I still here? Why do I allow him to keep me in what I feel is a hellhole? Why do I accept "decent" when I really deserve amazing?

I should really be strong for my son. Growing up with a broken home isn't easy, by any stretch of the imagination. But would growing up with a miserable mom be any better? I tell myself that if we did split, we'd be civil. We'd keep the peace so that he wouldn't have to go through what I did, but I doubt it will end up like that if it happens. It will end up in an all out war. Of course I already have the winning edge since he willingly gave me custody a year ago, but I doubt he'd just sit back and let me keep it.

At what point am I supposed to say I'm done?

Poker Face

Everybody has one, some just are better with theirs than others. I just so happen to be fabulous at hiding my true feelings. I can make anyone think I'm in love with them, and I can make anyone think I hate them. It's really sad that I had to learn a talent like that. Even worse that it the ability to make anyone crazy about me was how I made it through life before.

It really does make me wonder if I'm capable of real feelings, or if I just go through to motions to keep my life as simple and uncomplex as possible. Obviously, my love for Andrew is incredibly strong and the most real kind of love that any single person could feel. But what about everyone else? I honestly am not sure how upset I would be if "key" people in my life just up and left. Of course, I'd be worried because certain things couldn't fall into place without them. But on a deep, emotional level, would I even care?

I've spent my whole life basically using people. Using my parents to pull strings to get me what I wanted, using my friends to get where I wanted to be, using guys for sex, drugs, and alcohol, using my charm to get me out of basically any trouble, or using my charm to make my punishment easier. You could even say that I use my child. I use him to feel like I am the most important person alive, to feel like I would be missed if I left.

Not a damn person has any idea that I am literally drowning in my own mind, I'm just that good.

Music

Music would just happen to be my escape from it all. If you knew me at all, you would know that if I'm posting a whole lot of lyrics or music links on my Facebook, something is going on that I'm trying to run away from. Obviously I can't run away from everything forever, but it gives me a nice break.

I can find any song to match any mood. I make a habit out of searching for new music to explain a new feeling or point in life that I'm at. Or if I want to change my mood, it's as simple as finding the right song. I just listen to it over and over. Soon enough I forget my problems and am completely immersed in the music.

Sometimes I wish that I was brilliant enough to write music, but nothing ever turns out the way I would really want it to. Adding that to the fact that when something magically falls together, I don't have the means to make it into the music I'd want to hear. Kinda puts a damper on my desire to write music that people want to hear and relate to.

With all the music that I'm finding these days I sometimes second guess myself. Most of my favorite music is just a bunch of random thoughts and feelings slammed together into one confusing yet amazing track with an equally confusing yet amazing instrumental behind it. It can't be that hard to say what you're thinking and find someone brilliant with music to put it together with, right? Meh, high hopes.

Drowning

I'm drowning right in front of everyone and not a damn person can see it. I wonder if anyone even cares? How can he not care? Is it all a joke? Has it all just been a joke? I really, really thought that that we were going to beat the stereotype. After last week, and after today.. I just can't do it anymore

I Want To Feel Pretty

I remember when I used to be the hot sister. I was the one with the rockin bod, with guys clamoring for my attention. I was the girl who could just snap her fingers and POOF someone would have no problem getting me whatever I though I just had to have right then and there.

Now I'm setting here, technically obese, my smile has never looked worse. I don't fit in my clothes, my makeup never looks how it should. I could go on and on and on.

Why do I have zero confidence these days? Why don't I ever follow through with changing? Why can't I fix things at all anymore?

Stuck In A Rut

I feel like I'm getting no where. I should be finishing up my sophomore year of college, but nope, I'm not even technically out of freshman status yet. I should be out getting shit done, but I can't even get the house picked up everyday. I should be pulling in some decent cash, but I'm not making enough money to support my family. Obviously, I'm stressed out.

Then add onto that the fact that I know SO MANY PEOPLE who are living off the system and just living life up. Getting their nails done, going tanning, getting their hair professionally done, buying clothes/shoes ALL THE TIME all while working a minimum wage job (if working at all) and paying like $300 in bills MAX a month. After everything that's happening lately, I seriously understand why people abuse the system like they do. I mean Kyle and I make THIRTY FUCKING FIVE CENTS too much an hour (combined) to live in income restricted housing. I got my new job to make things easier for us, but apparently it only made things worse. A regularly priced two bedroom apartment in JOCO is at LEAST $800, and that's for iffy places.

Seriously, why even try? I could easily just go back to working my crap job and be able to afford to live. Everything is such a catch twenty two that its ridiculous. I have no idea what I would do if we didn't have my parents and Kyle's parents close by. We would have to live off of one single income because there's no way in hell we could afford daycare around here PLUS rent PLUS bills PLUS emergencies.

I just hope that things actually turn around here in the next few years. I know that I'm only nineteen and that I'm doing a lot better than most nineteen year olds, but its rather hard to be patient when you have a family counting on you....

Tired

I apparently always over react. Not exactly shocking, but I mean when every flag points to DANGER DANGER DANGER!! You're gonna listen.

Anyways, things are semi figured out and back to being good. Let's hope it stays that way because I'm too worn out for this shit. Work and Andrew just have me totally drained. I have no idea how I'll be able to throw school back into this equation when I'm ready to go back.

Oh, and guess what? My mom wants me to get pregnant, like yesterday. I was talking to her about possibly getting mirena inserted because I'm sick and tired of having to pay so much money for Nuvaring and to have to remember it. The look on her face was like a little kid who was just told that Santa doesn't exist. She wants me to get pregnant now, she says, but she would understand if we wanted to wait until Andrew was three or four. uhhhh WHAT?! This coming from the woman who was oh so upset and disappointed when I got pregnant with Andrew?! Who is that woman and what has she done with my mommy!

Awesome

He stayed up all night texting. Came home, barely talked to me, didn't try to get close to me, and was up all night texting that "fabulous" girl he works with. Tell me how in the hell I'm supposed to believe nothing is going on?

Well Hello

So I've probably made about five or six of these profiles to be completely honest, but I forgot the passwords. I figured rather than re-opening the ten million email accounts I have had in the past to find the one with the correct passwords, I'd rather just start from scratch anyways. Oh, and I'd probably be rather embarrassed of the things I had to say four or five years ago.

I guess I'll start by introducing myself :
I'm Katie, well actually I'm Katelyn but I'm not very fond of that name. I am a whopping nineteen years old, pretty much known as the baby at work because of it. I work in the call center for a check printing company. Not exactly the most exciting job but hey the pay is great and I get five weeks of paid time off a year. Lets see, what else about me... My parents divorced when I was three or four, my dad remarried when I was six. My step mom is my "mom" I will refer to her as my mom when it comes to anything. I refer to my mother as just that, my mother. She hasn't really been around, and whenever she decides to make an appearance it's not exactly a great one. I am the third of four children, I have two older brothers (Jim and John) and one younger sister (Emily).

I'm engaged to a pretty great guy named Kyle. He's about six months older than me and currently is twenty. Our anniversary is two days before his birthday and it drives me bonkers. Kyle and I started dating our senior year of high school. We basically are the couple that really never should have happened, he's such a nerd and well I'm not exactly the most calm and level headed of people. For some reason he decided that he wanted to have a go and got himself stuck into something he will probably never get out of. I don't think he minds though, at least not yet. We originally planned on getting married in the spring of 2012, but after recent discussions that probably isn't going to happen. Not because we don't want it to, trust me, we really want to be together. But financially it's just so much smarter for us to wait. Anyways, in our eyes and our families eyes we are already married, what's a piece of paper anyways? (Yeah, I know. I'm still trying to get that through my head too. I REALLY want a wedding...)

Now the best part of me has to be a special little man named Andrew James. He is currently fifteen months of crazy, stubborn, loving, adorable, into absolutely everything, all around tough guy. Little man was born on November 3rd, 2009 and I can honestly say that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I always knew that I wanted to have kids, but I never knew that my love for another person could be this strong. People thought I was emotional and crazy before, holy cow they should see me now. I would give my last breath just to make sure he is happy for the rest of his life.


Welp, I guess that's a great intro for now. Especially considering I'll most likely only be sharing this with the BBC ladies who tend to know plenty about me already. But I hope you all know you can ask whatever and if I keep my promise to keep this blog up to date, I'll make sure to answer your questions!