I Want To Feel Pretty

I remember when I used to be the hot sister. I was the one with the rockin bod, with guys clamoring for my attention. I was the girl who could just snap her fingers and POOF someone would have no problem getting me whatever I though I just had to have right then and there.

Now I'm setting here, technically obese, my smile has never looked worse. I don't fit in my clothes, my makeup never looks how it should. I could go on and on and on.

Why do I have zero confidence these days? Why don't I ever follow through with changing? Why can't I fix things at all anymore?

Stuck In A Rut

I feel like I'm getting no where. I should be finishing up my sophomore year of college, but nope, I'm not even technically out of freshman status yet. I should be out getting shit done, but I can't even get the house picked up everyday. I should be pulling in some decent cash, but I'm not making enough money to support my family. Obviously, I'm stressed out.

Then add onto that the fact that I know SO MANY PEOPLE who are living off the system and just living life up. Getting their nails done, going tanning, getting their hair professionally done, buying clothes/shoes ALL THE TIME all while working a minimum wage job (if working at all) and paying like $300 in bills MAX a month. After everything that's happening lately, I seriously understand why people abuse the system like they do. I mean Kyle and I make THIRTY FUCKING FIVE CENTS too much an hour (combined) to live in income restricted housing. I got my new job to make things easier for us, but apparently it only made things worse. A regularly priced two bedroom apartment in JOCO is at LEAST $800, and that's for iffy places.

Seriously, why even try? I could easily just go back to working my crap job and be able to afford to live. Everything is such a catch twenty two that its ridiculous. I have no idea what I would do if we didn't have my parents and Kyle's parents close by. We would have to live off of one single income because there's no way in hell we could afford daycare around here PLUS rent PLUS bills PLUS emergencies.

I just hope that things actually turn around here in the next few years. I know that I'm only nineteen and that I'm doing a lot better than most nineteen year olds, but its rather hard to be patient when you have a family counting on you....

Tired

I apparently always over react. Not exactly shocking, but I mean when every flag points to DANGER DANGER DANGER!! You're gonna listen.

Anyways, things are semi figured out and back to being good. Let's hope it stays that way because I'm too worn out for this shit. Work and Andrew just have me totally drained. I have no idea how I'll be able to throw school back into this equation when I'm ready to go back.

Oh, and guess what? My mom wants me to get pregnant, like yesterday. I was talking to her about possibly getting mirena inserted because I'm sick and tired of having to pay so much money for Nuvaring and to have to remember it. The look on her face was like a little kid who was just told that Santa doesn't exist. She wants me to get pregnant now, she says, but she would understand if we wanted to wait until Andrew was three or four. uhhhh WHAT?! This coming from the woman who was oh so upset and disappointed when I got pregnant with Andrew?! Who is that woman and what has she done with my mommy!

Awesome

He stayed up all night texting. Came home, barely talked to me, didn't try to get close to me, and was up all night texting that "fabulous" girl he works with. Tell me how in the hell I'm supposed to believe nothing is going on?